Positive parenting: our tips for getting started
Positive parenting is one of the most talked-about terms among parents lately after the Montessori however, it is far from being recent! (Yes, it exists since 2006!) For those who don't know it, who have just heard about it, or who want to start it, this article is for you!
What is positive parenting?
Positive parenting as defined by the Council of Europe is a family behavior that respects the best interest of the child and his rights. Furthermore, it is the principle of educating children with zero violence.
Indeed, it is no longer a question of educating to be obeyed. Positive parenting proposes to become aware (during cries, crises, oppositions) of the child's emotions and needs.
Beware! Positive parenting does not mean laxIt proposes to put in place the framework and the rules that the child needs to blossom while respecting his neighbor and without educational violence.
According to a study of 295 Triple P trained parents, this approach makes them feel more competent and they feel less stress!
This approach to parenting goes in the otic of guide the child instead of trying to dominate him, take into consideration his point of view, his emotion in order to better understand him.
The Family wants to hold the child accountable rather than make him/her obey through fear or humiliation. Instead, thenurturing education involves teaching him to to act betterand explain to him the logical consequences of his actions. By doing this, the parent will involve him, explain to him and all that without means of force.
The caring parent is not a perfect parent:
Seeking perfection will only lead to disappointment. What you should tell yourself is exactly what you should also tell your child: do your best and take your time.
Showing your child your weaknesses will show them that no one is perfect. On the contrary, it is normal to be tired from time to time. It will prevent him from thinking that his parents are perfect and that he can't do it. And then setting the bar too high will lead to guilt, depression and parental burn out... Oulala it does not give any desire at all! It is certain that positive parenting will not be the miracle solution, but a balance will gradually be established. The screams will always be there! But there will be less and less of it until it is eliminated!
How does it work?
If you have heard of positive parenting, you must have heard ofIsabelle Filliozat. Filliozat is an author, psychotherapist, parenting expert and above all, a leading figure in positive parenting in France. The Positive Approach to Children, also called the "Filliozat Method", takes an innovative look at children. It is based on humanistic psychology and positive psychology. Isabelle Filliozat helps parents in difficulty by offering workshops, tools and tipsin addition to its trainingto find the right parental attitude and words, in order to achieve family harmony.
The 5 fundamental principles of positive parenting or "benevolent parenting" :
1. An affective and emotional education meets the emotional needs of children (need for love, affection, emotional security)
2. A framework and rules of life which aim to ensure physical safety and health while reconciling self-respect and respect for others;
3. Recognition as full-fledged people of children through empathetic listeninga right to emotional expression and unconditional love;
4. Progressive empowerment through freedoms and rights that build children's sense of personal competence and power;
5. A non-violent education excluding any corporal punishment (spanking, slapping, isolation...) or psychologically humiliating punishment (blackmail, threats, mockery, deprivation, shouting, lying...). Corporal punishment is a violation of the rights of the child with regard to his physical integrity and human dignity.
How to do it gradually
It's certain that we can't change our way of doing things at all, and that's not what's being asked. And if you change your way of seeing things, and if you take a step back. It is clear that this is easier said than done... You will often need to take a deep breath which will help you take time to think. Remember that children don't want to push you around or manipulate you, and that their brains are still forming
Have tools! Positive parenting offers many of them:
The tools of positive parenting are effective! Very quickly, the child will not be the same. The family atmosphere will be calmer and the bonds will be stronger. Isabelle Filliozat reminds us of 4 simple principles to apply every day:
- Favour positive formulations The brain of children is equipped to process positive instructions before negation. These instructions can therefore relate to the desired behavior.
- Avoid the no that lends intension: which triggers the child's opposition. We can say "yes, and..." We can say "yes and", ask the child questions, or redirect the child's goals. Sometimes a child acts out because of a lack of positive attention.
- Create routines and encourage good behavior: Routines give children a sense of direction; don't hesitate to praise them when they make progress. It's good to praise your child by describing what he does well. The more positive attention you give your toddler, the less disruptive his or her behaviors will be.
- Showing a lot of affection to the child: Love is not a reward, but a necessity for the child. Show empathy to your little one, recognizing the child's emotion comforts them, as they feel understood.
- Getting him to think: Instead of giving a command, try asking a question. When your child thinks, he feels big and responsible. They are more cooperative. When your child misbehaves or makes a mistake, the best thing to do is to allow him to fix it. Correcting the mistake also makes them feel better and more responsible.